how do you feel when someone you loved left you?
how do you feel when someone you were still loving left you?
how do you feel when someone you thought you didnt love but am not sure left you?
how do you feel when you think you still love someone who left you when you still loved them but still isnt sure?
how do you feel when the whole world looks happier than you by a lot?

i think i feel sadder
but when i dont want to smile and when i dont want to fake being happy at the same time what do i tell to people who keep asking whats wrong with me and wont take 'i dont know' for an answer?

i am tired of homework and obsessing about these. i am fucking 14.5 for a reason

"We had said goodbye so many times before, but somehow our paths always managed to cross and we ended up in each other’s arms. But now when we said this goodbye. I have this feeling that I will never see you again. And that really hurts because I know that we are meant to lead our own separate lives. And I honestly don’t wanna cross your path in the future ‘cause I don’t want all these feelings to come back and have to try and get over you all over again."

had a lot of thinking to do, still, on the way back without neohpeishan and sutingg.
had a little h2h with neonpinknails today and had the mini-est h2h with fatsayz during/after campfire.
i realise what i thought was stupid. but i dont know what i feel anymore.
and when i say that i mean it. because when i say something and not mean it, i know it, but now i know i mean it when i say im not sure still, after all this time.
i need a little knock, i need to get away from all this.
if i were grown up i would pack my bags and send myself off alone on a little holiday to some quiet island where i dont need to see people being happy. i just need to be with myself for a bit, without the hustle and bustle, and it wont even matter if i dont do anything thinking at all.
i just need to be myself for a little while, away from anyone else.
i need someone who can understand, but who else is there who doesnt understand?
maybe i dont need that. i dont know what i need anymore.
i need a break from this all.
i said i'd change but i never got to leave behind the past me, its always catching up on me
and i know im still living a world i cant leave behind.
what is all this? i might appreciate it if my parents just pack me up and send me off t somewhere else to study.

i am sorry. but it'd be better off for you, too.

hi baby :)
since you did a dedication thing for me i shall do one special one just for you too <3
yes, we have fights. yes, we patch up in the end. and you know i am glad. of having you, that is
we might've drifted but i feel we still can share stuffs with each other and that gives me... idk, comfort, encouragement? ok need to brush up on vocab
anyhow, you knw i'll still be here NMW. i know everyone says that but im pretty sure i mean that more than anyone else. because anyone else isnt me
breastys forever, sorry i didnt manage to find your bag before today.
hope you'd had fun, happy birthday, h2hs again soon, <3> :*

OMGOMG did i mention the little girl at eton?
not sure how to spell her name but its pronounced chris-sy.
k.
been playing with her a lot lately (not really actually hmm.) its like,
"do you like the uncle?"
"noooooooo!" "do you like me?" "yes :)"/"are you coming to my bus tomorrow?" "you want me to come see you tomorrow?" "yessssssssssssssss :)"

omg heartmelt pls. heart-heart-heartmelt my heart would break the day she graduates.

will draw mine like this from now on

got some dam good secret mission up my sleeve like not literally up but ya aiyo whatever

woke up @ 4.30am with some weird sensation then realised my left eye = swollen. horror horror scream.
started planning on how to cry and make a fuss at 6am, till i fell asleep.
effortless, because dad wasnt pleased with the eye (or me?)
doctor's round 8am, reached school 12. (trust me, looking at your face is hell)
mr k was a joke even during the mock pres.
fooled more w fatsayz and fatsayzg after sch, (ef-am-ale)


i did not look like someone whose life was falling apart. i did not look like a girl who had to make herself vomit to feel like she could do something right for a change. i did not look like the kind of daughter who was hated by her mother, ignored by her father.
well not anymore

practically what we'd been doing in class all day.
but yes i finished my part of the job before slacking kay.

feels goddamn fkin good to have no homework when i reach home nowadays.
had quite a H2H with fatsayz, i hope this is really what i want, ... no more regrets.
i'd promised. until you forgive me, i will continue to punish myself.


besides the obvious difference, there's not much distinction between losing a best friend and losing a lover: it was all about intimacy. one moment, you had someone to share your biggest triumphs and fatal flaws with; the next minute, you had to keep them all bottled inside. one moment, you'd start to call to tell them a snippet of news or to vent about the most awful day before realising you did not have that right anymore, the next, you find that you really just can't remember the digits of their phone number anymore.

@ art room, blacking out soon, will do up soon.